Kyle Cooper’s The Fat Decimator System PDF file download. It should be no surprise that it’s my confidence and self-esteem that take the biggest hit here. It was a problem as far back as my preteens and it’s not gotten better. I often feel bad about myself and engage in self-deprecation, playing it off as a joke. I think about myself very negatively almost all the time and tear myself down worse than the school bullies ever did. Mirrors are my enemy, making me both sad and angry at the same time and encouraging the way I think about myself. My clothes don’t fit nicely and I always feel like a slob. I don’t like to be seen or noticed and will always try to blend in as much as I can to avoid it. If I notice someone looking at me, even for a split second, I immediately assume what they are thinking about me. I assume they are judging me and making up a story in their head about the kind of pig that I am. I don’t like to go out with my friends, publicly or otherwise, always feeling like I’m the token fatty. No one has ever labeled me as “the fat friend,” that was something I did in my head without realizing it. I avoid crowds, tightly packed places and even the busier public transit routes because I’m too embarrassed to have to ask people to move or make room for me. I fear that if I try to walk between chairs and tables that are too close together, I might bump them and draw peoples’ attention to the fat lady that can’t fit through. It’s important for me to note here that, since finishing High School, no one has made any degrading or judgemental comments about my weight or appearance. At least not to my face. My concerns are an unwarranted assumption of what they might be thinking about me. However, the embarrassment and fear still manifest in mental health issues. Whether my troubles with anxiety and depression are affected by my perception of myself or the other way around, I can’t really say for sure. I would say that there does seem to be somewhat of a symbiotic relationship between the two.